Why I Only Want to Have Sex With Other People Who Have Been Abused as Kids
I haven’t had sex in 19 months. Before getting sober, this was unheard of. When I partied and drank a lot, I used to have sex with 1–2 complete strangers a week. But as I wrote in my article “Getting Sober Destroyed my Sex Life” Getting sober…destroyed my sex life.
The last person I had sex with was a stranger at the Full Moon Party in Koh Phangan. Before hooking up with him, I hadn’t had sex in 2 years! When I say my sex life changed completely once I became sober, I mean it!
The thing that stood out about the last person I had sex with… let’s call him Blake…the thing that stood out most about Blake wasn’t that he was a part-time model and looked the part, it wasn’t his sexy Jon Snow accent, and it wasn’t even his big dick, which are all attributes I greatly appreciated, don’t get me wrong. But there was something even more exceptional about him.
Blake had mentioned that he was abused as a kid. He didn’t go into detail and I wasn’t sure if it was ok to ask so I didn’t. But it had been bad, maybe not in the same way that my childhood was bad, but it was bad enough to have made an impact on him. Telling me that made me connect to him in a way I could not connect to other people who had normal childhoods.
I felt a lot of walls dissipate with that revelation, so sex with him was very deep, intense, fun, and amazing. I still didn’t come, but I think I would have been able to had we spent more time together.
I’m glad Blake was the last person I had sex with. I’d rather have a good sex memory from over a year ago than a mediocre sex memory from yesterday.
After hooking up, we parted ways and I never saw him again. Since I have had bad experiences with staying in contact with one-night stands because it ends up ruining the magic of the first encounter, I’m glad we didn’t stay in touch so I can remember that moment and him positively.
These 19 months of asexuality have made me think a lot about what I want in a sexual partner and if I ever want another sexual partner again.
I’m totally happy being alone and having sex with myself. I’m not seeking a relationship and don’t believe in monogamy anyway. But I am open to having sex with someone else if they are the magical combination of funny, easy to talk to, smart, hot, and have also been abused as a child.
It’s not uncommon to want to seek out sex partners that have been through similar hardships as you. If you have been through something traumatic, it is really difficult to connect with people who have not been through what you have been through.
At this stage of my life, I’m older, sober, more spiritual, and very happy being alone. I don’t need others to fulfill me since I do that for myself. If I do hook up with someone else, they need to have been through similar traumas as me and overcome them, as well as have all the typical physical and mental attributes that one needs in order to be attracted to someone.
Anyone who has not been through hell and back cannot understand what it’s like and the connection with them is different. It’s like there’s a permanent, thick veil separating me from people who were not traumatized as kids.
Something happens to you when you’re abused as a child. It’s even different than someone who has been abused as an adult because at least that person can go back to something that was good before. But if you were born into darkness and abuse, you basically have to create a castle from the rubble with no one to help you but your own mind.
So it makes perfect sense that I can only be intimate with people who have been abused as kids. It’s not that I wish that on anyone or take enjoyment from it, I just want to connect to others like me or not connect at all.
