Yanked into the Abyss again and again.
Last night I dreamt that I was in a house and the male warden was pointing a gun at my head. I tried to get away, but the gun moved wherever I moved, so I had to stay still and be submissive even though every part of me wanted to fight back. This looming, psychotic male presence had power over me because of that gun and there was nothing I could do.
The feeling of powerlessness and being trapped was the dominant component of my childhood. Here I was, 38 years old and being yanked back to my Childhood Abyss through a dream. This has happened many times and will happen again. Welcome to PTSD!
I haven’t spoken to the male or female warden for over a decade. Once I cut off those toxic pieces of shit, the healing began, or so I thought. But it’s been at least 14 years and no matter how sober I am, no matter how many days I’ve meditated, no matter how spiritual and introspective I’ve become, something will happen that will force me back into the darkness and turn me into a scared little child once more.
In the dream, the male warden left the house and I debated whether or not it was safe to lock the door. I was worried it would upset him more and he would still manage to get inside. But I closed the door and locked it just as he was trying to get in. I drew the curtains so he couldn’t see me. The female warden was also in the house and also fearing for her life.
I had a food delivery on the way and I was worried about how I would leave the house to get the food without letting the monster back inside. I was still panicking about how to maneuver that when I woke up to two hungry cats at 5:30am. I was back in my pleasant dark apartment, safe, with no wardens and no guns, just two cute cats reliant on me for food, love, and shelter.
Months and years could go by without dreaming about the wardens but then they come crawling back into my mind like the roaches they are. No matter where I am and how much I try to deal with the pain of my past, they manage to creep their way in and fuck up my mental well-being. The way I feel about the wardens and roaches is exactly the same: I feel grossed out and upset and have a bit of fear even though I know they can’t hurt me, I just don’t want them to exist and get really upset when I am reminded that they do.
When the wardens have invaded my dreams, it seems random and seems to come at a time when I am doing really well mentally. This time though the reason they returned was clear. I had a very stressful day at work yesterday which left me feeling panicked and helpless and that opened up the door to let the roaches back in.
A stressful day at work doesn’t sound like a big deal to a mentally healthy person, but to someone with PTSD from their childhood, it can trigger anxiety and panic. I’m lucky I work part-time from home doing something creative, but all it takes is one day of being overwhelmed and not feeling in control for me to have nightmares of psychotic wardens putting guns to my head inside a house I can’t escape.
As much as I am grateful for the job I have, especially during a pandemic when many people are out of a job, I need to become a full-time writer and work only for myself. I need that freedom and that’s definitely what I’m working on right now.
I want to wake up in a big house by the sea. Just me, my two cats, and some rescued animals. No other humans for miles. I want to write most of the day, grew my own food, make most of my stuff, and trade for anything I can’t make or grow. I don’t want to use money or plastic ever again.
That house by the sea keeps me going even when the Abyss has me wrapped tight in Her painful embrace, which is still pretty often unfortunately. But I am a fighter and have novels to write and cats to take care of.
I refuse to be trapped and will keep fighting for my freedom. I will become a full-time writer with a house by the sea. Roaches and The Abyss be damned!
