My Tinder Date With an Armed Robber

No, it wasn’t a deal breaker.

Photo from Shane Burnell’s IG.

Before I went sober, I was a total slut for many years. Getting sober destroyed my sex life, but I did have a lot of good hookups before I turned into a monk.

Not all of my hookups were successful in terms of ending in amazing, hot sex, however, but some, like my Tinder date with an armed robber, are still memorable.

I liked his profile because he was hot, buff, and covered in tattoos. I don’t remember what he wrote on his bio, but it didn’t matter since he looked like he just got out of prison, and that’s totally my type! Little did I know how on the nose my first impression of him was…

He told me his name was Andre and he was from Belgium. At the time, all I knew about Belgium was that they made good waffles and chocolate. I will use Andre’s actual fake name in this story since that’s not his real name anyway. He was shady from the start!

So we shot the shit for a bit on Tinder, texting back and forth. Andre was funny, friendly, and seemed really eager to please, which I liked. We talked about what turned us on and I mentioned that I love when a guy wears a nice suit. Suits are lingerie for men. We made a date for him to come over to my place.

In hindsight, it might seem unsafe for a complete stranger to come to my place, but it’s much safer than my going to their place.

At my place, I know where all the knives and other sharp objects are. So if shit goes down, I can easily find various ways to defend myself. At someone else’s place, they might have all sorts of serial killer shit hidden in their house and I would have no idea. So it’s much safer for strangers to come to me than the other way around.

Andre showed up at my apartment wearing a dark grey suit and blue tie. The fit of the suit was looser on him than I preferred but he still looked hot. He was really eager to please me and it felt like he was showing up for a job interview instead of sex. He was hot and covered in tattoos, so I wasn’t complaining!

We talked for a little bit. Typical getting to know you questions like “How long have you been in Bangkok?” and “What’s your favorite position?” After ten minutes of small talk, we went to my bedroom and started making out.

I helped Andre out of his shirt and loved seeing all those tattoos. His chest, back, and arms were completely covered. He had nice tattoos as well, no frat boy tribal shit. He pulled off my shirt and I reached for his pants. As soon as I tried to take his pants off, he pulled away.

Typically, when a guy pulls away while you try to get his cock out, it’s either because his dick is too small or he has erectile dysfunction. I think it was because his dick is too small but I never found out for sure since I never got to see it.

He pulled away and laughed while trying to pull my bra down instead, but then I pulled away because I wanted to know why he pulled away. I need to feel comfortable with someone before I can get fully naked. I prefer getting to know someone by going down on them first. Usually after that, I’ll feel comfortable enough to take all my clothes off.

You can learn a lot about a person while you’re giving them head, even if you don’t remember what their name is.

For you monogamous people out there who take a few years to have sex with someone, this might sound strange, but in the world of casual hooking up, this is quite normal. I assure you.

He just kept moving away from me every time I reached for his groin and then tried to take the rest of my clothes off. I knew something was off about this guy. I told him I was not taking off my clothes until I suck his dick and he said he also needed to give head first to feel comfortable. See, it’s not just me.

After wrestling a bit and neither of us giving in and getting naked first, I finally gave up and walked back to my living room, annoyed and fully clothed. The vibe was off with him and I wasn’t horny at all anymore.

I kicked him out of my apartment, but not in a mean way, just in an “Ok, it was nice knowing you, but we’re clearly not fucking so what’s the point in your staying?” Kind of way.

He left and immediately texted me apologizing for everything. He wanted me to give him another chance. I told him that we were not compatible sexually but we could still talk. I was attracted to him physically and enjoyed talking to him, but I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.

In hindsight, I think my dick radar was telling me that despite how hot he was, Andre was just not going to deliver the pounding of my life that I desired from a one-night stand and I also was not comfortable enough around him to get naked and feel vulnerable. I knew I felt like that for a reason and always trust my instincts.

Still, we kept texting and emailing each other. I realized Andre was really needy. He kept constantly emailing and texting me, and it put me off. He had this intense energy like he would drown if he didn’t latch onto someone, even if he wasn’t compatible with that person. Once I noticed that he was talking to me out of fear of dying alone, rather than appreciating how awesome I am, I kept telling him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t.

He wasn’t being creepy, so I didn’t block him. He was just being needy and trying to get me to pay attention to him. That’s why he showed up in a business suit on a Tinder date to my place. Who does that? He was trying so hard to make me like him that it was just pushing me away.

He even asked me to marry him so he could have an American passport because he didn’t want a Belgian passport anymore. He also wanted to do business together but did not know what business to start yet. He was just trying anything to get me to stay with him in some way. I declined all his ideas and made it clear he could not latch onto me in any way.

But there was something about Andre that made me keep talking to him even though I was annoyed by his neediness and I had no interest in having sex with him. It could just be because he was hot and covered in tattoos but I think there was more to it than that.

I related to that drowning, needy energy. It reminds me of how I used to be when I was a teenager and in my early twenties. After finding out more of Andre’s backstory later, I realize now that I connected to him because he had a fuck-up childhood like I did, although his was a different type of fucked up than mine.

When you have a traumatic upbringing, you go through a drowning phase where you feel like you’re falling off a cliff with nothing to hang onto because you’re processing a lot of feelings like fear, pain, sadness, and anger, but you still don’t fully understand where all those emotions are coming from and how to deal with them.

Andre was going through that and like most traumatized people who are drowning, they think that latching onto someone else will save them when the only way to stop drowning is to learn to swim by yourself.

At the time, I just felt drawn to Andre in a way I could not put my finger on. So despite telling him to fuck off over and over because I knew he was drowning and wanting to latch on to me without actually caring about me, I agreed to meet him at the mall to talk.

I’m glad I did because I learned a lot about Andre that would put off a normal person but actually made me like him more.

We walked around a luxury mall in Bangkok which is full of luxury malls. At the Emporium mall, there’s a really bougie lounge area outside the movie theater where anyone can sit, so we sat there to talk. We talked about our childhoods and Andre revealed to me that his mom was a heroin addict and died of an overdose when Andre was just a kid.

He mentioned how he didn’t understand why his mom was not available to take care of him and he had to raise himself while she got high. Growing up in a rough part of Belgium with no one to look after him, he quickly turned to crime and that’s when he revealed that he did a lot of illegal shit, including armed robbery.

Where Andre was from, stealing was a part of daily life and not seen as a big deal. You needed to do it to survive. He’d just roam around the streets with a ski mask looking for cars and houses to break into. He’d bust a car window with a crowbar and steal everything inside and then run away with the loot. The cops were chasing him all the time and he got caught a few times but then kept stealing once he was let out of jail again.

He told me one time he was robbing a car with his ski mask on and he happened to look over at the car next to him because he heard the sound of glass shattering. He recognized an old school friend of his robbing a car in a ski mask as well. They recognized each other even with the masks on because of their tattoos. They waved to each other, and kept stealing shit from their respective cars. Picturing Andre in a ski mask stealing shit was hot, not gonna lie.

He did admit to robbing people at gunpoint but claimed he never hurt anyone and preferred to steal from cars and homes that were empty. He just did what he had to do to survive. I didn’t agree with it but I understood it. It also didn’t make me think less of him. I like people with a crazy back story.

If he had actually hurt someone, I would have been put off. But him telling me all the crazy shit he had been through made me connect with him more since I had been through crazy shit as well. Just different crazy shit.

The reason why Andre was in Thailand was to run away from a gang he had pissed off. He owed them a lot of money and wasn’t able to pay them back. They broke into his apartment and destroyed everything looking for money and stuff to sell.

Andre was just returning to his place when he saw the gangsters in his apartment and ran away immediately. They chased him down the street in broad daylight with guns out, ready to shoot him as soon as they had a clear shot, but he managed to get away. He hid out at a friend’s house for the night and took the first flight to Thailand. Now I see why he wanted an American passport!

As Andre was telling me these stories about being a robber and running away from gangsters in Belgium, we were both laughing. I could tell it was really therapeutic for him and he became really animated as he told me more about his life.

I thought those stories would make a great movie and he agreed. At the time I was itching to make more movies. (still am) I thought it would be cool to shoot something with him. He definitely had the looks and personality.

After hanging out with Andre at the mall, I liked him more (as a friend) and understood why he had such chaotic energy. I was excited to finally find an actor to make movies with. It’s hard to find actors in Thailand who won’t flake since I can’t pay them.

We hung out a few more times after that just to talk. I learned that Andre was not his real name and he was currently broke because the illegal thing he was doing in Bangkok did not pay out yet. He wouldn’t tell me what that illegal thing was despite my begging to know.

My guess is he was selling drugs since that’s the most common illegal thing that shady and stupid foreigners get into in Thailand. The jail sentence for dealing drugs is extreme in Thailand as well as the rest of SE Asia. Last I checked you could also still get the death penalty for dealing a certain amount of drugs in this country.

Thai prison is also no joke! It’s the worst hell you can imagine, you’re packed like a sardine with hundreds of other prisoners in a filthy, hot, rat and roach-infested cage. You’re fed rotten rice and fish heads if you’re fed at all. And the guards have no problems torturing you and beating the shit out of you on a daily basis, especially if you’re a foreigner. I wouldn’t do anything illegal in Thailand for a billion dollars. No way!

So I have no idea what kind of shady shit Andre was up to in Thailand but he didn’t go to jail at least. Our friendship ended once he flaked on me too many times. I had set up a shoot for a short film where Andre would play a prisoner in solitary confinement who had escaped a crazy cult and turned to a life of crime in order to make money. I was going to shoot it at a friend’s basement and had everything ready. Andre flaked on me twice but kept sending me pics of him with his hair grown out for the movie.

I don’t have time for flakey people and did not like that Andre was more about himself than showing interest in me and my art. Yeah, he’s hot and had an interesting life but I have an interesting life as well. I want friends who care about me, not just themselves.

Andre was all about himself but was also still trying to latch onto me. Even though it was clear that being together romantically and sexually was not going to happen, he kept trying to use me for anything I had: money, citizenship, attention, anything he could get his hands on. I was smart enough not to give him anything other than some of my time, but I knew he was not a good person to keep around, so I told him to piss off and really meant it that time.

After I cut off the friendship, he kept emailing me, trying to act like everything was fine between us, but I kept telling him to leave me alone. Then finally after yet another email where he wanted to meet up because he had yet another scheme he wanted to involve me in, I told him that I refused to be his mommy and that he needed to learn to get out of the abyss by himself like we all need to. I also told him to stop being a pussy and handle his emotions like an adult instead of trying to latch onto me like a leech. I had entertained his bullshit for long enough and needed to cut him off.

I blocked him and never heard from him again. But I did Google him recently and saw that he’s back in Europe now and started wrestling. Glad he’s not in prison.

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